Do you rave to friends about how kind your partner is — or do you find yourself asking them for advice because they keep treating you poorly? Do you sometimes wonder if you’re actually dating someone who’s just mean?
All couples have rough patches and say things they regret from time to time, but that shouldn’t be the baseline of your relationship.
Your partner should lift you up, respect you, and make you feel like the best version of yourself. You should share laughs, feel safe, and generally enjoy being together.
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If your relationship feels like the opposite of that, it might be a sign you’re with someone who’s mean. Below are ten signs to watch for, followed by five practical ways to handle mean behavior — and when necessary, how to get help.
10 signs you’re dating a mean person
Here are ten warning signs that your relationship may be turning toxic, and what those signs often mean.
1. You fight all the time
Arguments happen — that’s normal. Even healthy couples hit rough patches or break trust and have to rebuild.
But if conflict is the daily norm, that’s a problem. Do you feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster instead of in a stable partnership? Are fights constant, or does your partner regularly give you the silent treatment? If so, that chronic hostility is a major red flag.
2. They’re selfish
Relationships depend on give-and-take. You invest time, energy, and care; your partner should do the same.
If your partner repeatedly puts their needs first, refuses to spend time with your friends or family, or dismisses your feelings, that selfishness slowly erodes the relationship.
Someone who can’t own up to being wrong or regularly invalidates your emotions is showing dangerous signs of self-centered behavior.
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You might notice they:
- Avoid your friends
- Skip family events without good reason
- Prioritize themselves over you consistently
- Rarely admit mistakes
- Make you feel like your feelings aren’t real
3. They’re a bad friend to others
A partner who constantly badmouths friends or family is showing a worrisome pattern. How often does your partner gossip, relish someone’s misfortune, or put others down for appearance or status?
Tearing people down usually stems from insecurity. If your partner regularly trash-talks those closest to them, that’s a clear indicator they aren’t kind-hearted — and it’s a hint of how they may treat you.
4. They are just plain mean
Mean people often lack empathy. They struggle to see things from another person’s perspective and stick rigidly to their own viewpoint.
This can show up as low guilt after hurting you, cheating without remorse, or using you for sex, money, or access. A partner who repeatedly acts without empathy and without consequence is someone to take seriously.
5. You feel empty when you’re together
A healthy relationship should make you feel:
- Respected
- Happy
- Supported
- Loved
- Comfortable and excited
If instead you feel drained, worthless, unsure, or like your self-esteem is shrinking, that’s a sign you’re not getting what you need — and may even be experiencing emotional harm.
Research links victimization in relationships to higher risks of depression and suicidal thoughts, so take feelings of emptiness seriously.
6. You have a persistent gut feeling
Trust your instincts. If something feels off in your relationship, it probably is.
Dating someone mean can create emotional whiplash — one minute you’re up, the next you’re deeply down. If you frequently question whether you should stay, or sense the relationship isn’t right, pay attention to that inner voice. It’s often smarter than you think.
7. They have a bad attitude toward communication
Good communication is the backbone of a healthy partnership. If your partner refuses to talk about issues, shifts into hostility when you bring up concerns, or uses arguments to belittle instead of resolve — that’s a problem.
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A partner who won’t apologize, won’t hear your perspective, or weaponizes disagreements is showing a toxic communication style that won’t sustain a loving relationship.
8. You’re always making excuses for them
Do you find yourself explaining away their behavior with lines like, “They didn’t mean it — they’re just stressed,” or “They’re having a tough week”? Constantly covering for someone else’s poor conduct is exhausting and often a sign you’re trying to make unacceptable behavior palatable.
9. They lie a lot
Everyone slips up and tells small lies sometimes. But if your partner lies frequently, fakes stories, or manipulates the truth without remorse, that’s a big warning sign.
Some people lie because of deeper issues; for others, dishonesty is a tool to get what they want. Either way, habitual lying destroys trust and signals a lack of regard for you and for the relationship.
10. They enjoy others’ misfortune (schadenfreude)
Schadenfreude — taking pleasure in someone else’s failure — is a cruel trait. If your partner smirks when a friend stumbles or seems secretly glad when you don’t succeed, that reveals a mean streak. Seeing them take delight in others’ pain is painful and often a window into a truly unkind personality.
At first, mean behavior can be easy to miss because people can hide darker tendencies. But over time, their true colors often emerge.
How to deal with mean people in a relationship: 5 approaches
No one wants to stay with someone who’s consistently cruel. Before deciding whether to leave, consider trying these steps — but remember that change requires willingness on both sides.
1. Regain control of your reactions
Feeling controlled or manipulated can make you react in ways you don’t like. When you respond from a place of hurt or anger, you may play into the negative cycle.
Focus on controlling your own responses. You can’t make someone else change their behavior, but you can choose how you react. Staying calm and composed protects your dignity and prevents the situation from escalating into mutual meanness.
2. Lead with compassion (when safe)
Mean behavior often comes from hurt, trauma, or insecurity — not as an excuse, but as a possible explanation. If you love this person and feel safe doing so, responding with compassion can sometimes open a door.
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Rather than meeting cruelty with anger, try a softer approach: “It seems like this has been hard for you. Can we take a break and talk later?” Compassion can defuse defensiveness and encourage vulnerability — though it’s not a magic fix, and it shouldn’t be used to excuse persistent abuse.
3. Learn to be assertive
Assertiveness means standing up for yourself while still treating others with respect. Use clear, direct language to express your needs and limits, and do so calmly and confidently.
Being assertive tells your partner there are boundaries you won’t let them cross. It models how you expect to be treated and can sometimes nudge a mean person toward better behavior.
4. Pick the right time to talk
Timing matters. Trying to resolve issues in the heat of an argument rarely works. Wait until your partner is calm to bring up concerns, and frame conversations so they can be constructive — not accusatory.
When both people are composed, you’ll stand a better chance of being heard, of listening, and of getting to the root of what’s driving mean behavior.
5. Influence with patience and set an example
People can change, but it often takes time and consistent effort. If you want to help your partner grow, model the behaviors you want to see: stay calm under pressure, show empathy, and communicate clearly.
Encourage couple’s therapy if they’re open to it, but don’t push or shame them into change. Change that’s coerced rarely sticks; gentle, steady influence paired with clear boundaries is more likely to work.
Takeaway
Relationships should make you feel supported and joyful, not diminished or drained. If your partner’s meanness is an intermittent frustration, try setting boundaries, communicating clearly, and offering compassionate support — but always protect your well-being.
Be assertive and observant. If your partner seems to be struggling and you can help safely, do so. Suggest therapy or constructive ways to grow together. But if the relationship shows more than occasional meanness and crosses into abuse, it’s time to put your safety first.
