For many people, entering a relationship means imagining a shared future. Still, relationships aren’t always smooth — we’re all human, after all. That doesn’t mean you should accept behavior that chips away at your happiness. Before you make a lifelong commitment, it’s wise to learn the red flags to watch for. In short, these are problems you shouldn’t ignore if you want a chance at a happy marriage.
What to look out for before getting married
Compatibility matters, but it’s not the only thing that determines whether a marriage will work. Your partner’s character and habits are equally important. Both partners should take time to understand each other’s personalities before deciding to marry.
Here are some key traits to pay attention to in a potential spouse:
Communication
Healthy relationships depend on clear, honest communication. Couples should be able to tell each other what they need, what they like and dislike, and what matters to them — openly and respectfully.
Respect
Respect means accepting your partner as they are. It’s acknowledging that they may see the world differently and still choosing to love and accept them for who they are.
Faithfulness
Infidelity is a leading cause of marriages falling apart. If you’re heading toward marriage, mutual faithfulness should be non-negotiable. When both partners stay loyal and avoid flirting or emotional affairs, trust and security grow — and those are essential for taking the next step.
Forgiveness
Can your partner accept a sincere apology and move forward? Everyone slips up sometimes, and the ability to forgive and heal matters. Before marrying, make sure both of you are willing to apologize, forgive, and learn from mistakes.
Same values and beliefs
Talking about your values and beliefs before you say “I do” is crucial. Love sometimes requires compromise, but marrying someone whose core values clash with yours can make life harder. Shared beliefs — about money, family, faith, priorities — help keep a marriage steady. You don’t have to agree on everything, but respecting each other’s fundamental values is essential.
15 warning signs to not get married
Wondering what to look for before getting married? These are warning signs to pay attention to.
1. Your partner is unpredictable or immature
Maturity isn’t just about age — it’s about life skills. If your partner struggles with managing money, keeping a steady job, planning for the future, or taking care of themselves, that can point to unreliability. Difficulty handling personal responsibilities is a serious concern for married life.
2. Infidelity
Cheating is a major red flag. If someone has a pattern of being unfaithful while dating, they’re more likely to repeat that behavior in marriage. Trust is the foundation of any long-term relationship; without it, a marriage is fragile. If your partner downplays or sees nothing wrong with flirting or emotional affairs, that’s especially troubling.
“Be sure to define what you consider cheating prior to committing to marriage. That way, there is no room for misunderstandings.” — Maggie Martinez, LCSW
3. You feel fear about walking down the aisle
If the thought of marrying them fills you with intense fear — and that fear comes from staying because you don’t want to hurt them by backing out — that’s a sign to pause. Deciding to marry out of guilt or fear usually leads to a poor outcome.
4. You give up things that matter to you
Giving up small things for your partner occasionally is normal. But if you’re consistently sacrificing what’s important to you — your interests, goals, or values — it’s worth asking why. If it’s always skewed toward your partner’s preferences, that imbalance is a problem.
5. You fight all the time
Constant fighting signals unresolved issues. Whether one or both of you stir up conflict, frequent arguments usually point to deeper problems that need addressing before marriage. These are not things marriage will automatically fix.
6. Poor communication
Poor communication is an early red flag. You don’t need to agree on everything, but you must be able to talk honestly and effectively. If your partner gives you the silent treatment or speaks like they’re being forced, that’s damaging and can lead to separation later.
7. They make you feel bad about yourself
If your partner leaves you feeling drained, insecure, or belittled, the relationship isn’t healthy. Constructive feedback is one thing, but regular criticism aimed at hurting you is unacceptable. Talk about how their words affect you and decide if that relationship is worth continuing.
8. Your partner shows no interest in your future
Marriage is about building a life together. If your partner seems uninterested in your plans, goals, or dreams — or avoids talking about the future — they may not see themselves in your life long-term. That lack of investment is a red flag.
9. You have persistent doubts
Everyone has doubts sometimes, but recurring, major doubts shouldn’t be ignored. If uncertainty doesn’t ease over time, investigate whether it stems from personal fears or real problems in the relationship. Work it out before making a permanent commitment.
10. Lack of boundaries with family members
Family ties are important, but unhealthy dependence on family is an issue. If your partner can’t make major life choices without their family’s input — especially when those choices directly affect you both — that undermines your independence as a couple.
11. You have disillusions about your partner
If everything about your partner seems perfect and nothing bothers you, you probably don’t know them well enough. Fantasy weddings are fun to imagine, but marriage requires real, imperfect knowledge of each other. Go in with realistic expectations.
12. You feel sad or lonely
Feeling lonely or emotionally unsupported in a relationship is a warning sign. A healthy partnership should reduce loneliness, not add to it. If you’re regularly sad, consider having a deep conversation with your partner or slowing down your plans.
13. Your partner shows signs of violence
Any form of violence — toward you, family members, others, or animals — is a serious red flag. Don’t justify or make excuses for violent behavior. If you feel unsafe while dating, marriage will not fix that; leave and seek help.
14. You’re marrying because you think they’ll fix you
Marrying someone in the hope that they’ll change you or fix your problems is a mistake. People don’t magically transform after marriage; unresolved issues will still be there. Change can happen, but marriage shouldn’t be used as the solution.
15. Your partner has addiction problems
Substance addiction creates instability and often removes a person’s autonomy. Marrying someone with unresolved addiction issues is likely to put unfair pressure on the relationship. If addiction is present, it needs to be addressed and treated before committing to marriage.
How to deal with red flags in a relationship
Noticed any of these red flags? Here are steps to take.
Take the time
It can be hard to accept problems when you’re hopeful about a future together. Give yourself time to step back and evaluate the relationship objectively. Consider what truly matters to you before making life-changing decisions.
Communicate
Talk openly with your partner about the red flags you’ve noticed. See whether they take your concerns seriously and are willing to work on them. If they dismiss or minimize your feelings, that’s telling.
Think carefully and decide
After gathering the facts and talking it through, make a considered decision. If your partner refuses to change or refuses help, don’t be afraid to leave. Choosing your own long-term peace and happiness is worth short-term difficulty.
Seek help
A therapist or counselor can provide guidance on whether and how to move forward. Friends and family can also offer support and perspective. Professional help is especially important if safety, addiction, or violence is involved.
