You’ve been together for a while — maybe you even live together — and now he’s finally asked. Your reaction wasn’t an immediate, joy-filled “yes,” and that hesitation keeps tugging at you. That’s your intuition talking. Step back, take a clear look at the relationship, and make sure you’re truly ready to marry him. I say this from experience: as a marriage counselor who specializes in affair recovery, I’ve seen how hard marriage can be. If you’re not absolutely certain — if you’re not excited and confident — there’s probably a reason.
An all-too-common problem
There’s an old saying: women marry hoping they can change a man; men marry hoping she won’t change. Many women, trained to be caregivers and people-pleasers, say yes because it feels like the right thing, because they’re afraid of hurting him, or because they don’t want to disappoint family and friends. That’s risky. Entering marriage while planning to “fix” someone later rarely ends well.
Hoping someone will evolve into the partner you need is a gamble. People usually change only when they want to, not because their partner wishes it. When one person tries to reshape the other, resentment and frustration build. Instead, choose someone whose character and current behavior you admire — not someone who merely has potential.
Make sure you admire who he is today
Look honestly at the man in front of you right now. Do you respect how he treats others? Does he take responsibility when he’s wrong? Can you picture how he’ll behave under financial stress, parenting strain, or health scares? Character matters because life isn’t always tidy or romantic; it’s full of mundane obligations and unexpected hardships. You need a partner who does the right thing even when it’s inconvenient, not someone who might someday become that person.
Read more: Love After Friendship vs. Love at First Sight
Practical reflection
Spend time imagining realistic scenarios: a job loss, an illness, a family dispute. How would he act? Honest answers to these scenarios are far more revealing than romance alone.
Markers of poor character: the triple AAAs
Brett Novick, marriage therapist and author of Don’t Marry a Lemon!, urges people to prioritize character and values over chemistry or looks. He highlights what he calls the “triple A’s”: Alcohol, Addiction, Affairs. These are red flags because they point to patterns that erode trust, stability, and intimacy.
- Alcohol or substance abuse: Excessive drinking or drug use signals poor coping strategies. Substance problems don’t just affect the user — they drag the relationship into chaos, secrecy, and pain.
- Addiction (beyond substances): Whether gambling, porn, or compulsive behaviors, addictions consume time, resources, and emotional availability.
- A history of short-term relationships or infidelity: A pattern of serial short relationships suggests difficulty with commitment.
Why these matter
Each “A” shows how someone handles temptation, stress, and boundaries. These patterns are hard to change and easy to deny. If any of these are present, proceed cautiously.
The trickiest A: affairs
If he has cheated before — whether with you in the past or with others — take that as a serious warning. From my work with couples recovering from infidelity, I can say this plainly: cheating reveals choices under temptation. People can and do recover from affairs, but recovery is long, painful, and uncertain. If you’re deciding whether to marry someone with a history of cheating, understand what you’re signing up for. It’s often better to walk away now — when it’s a breakup — than to face a divorce (and potential children’s pain) later.
Read more : 30 Effective Tips on How to Be a Good Wife
Hallmarks of good character
How do you tell if a man’s character is solid? Watch him interact with people who can’t do anything for him: waitstaff, store clerks, his relatives, strangers in need. People often perform for potential gain, but true character shows when there’s no reward.
Look for these qualities:
- Kindness and respect: He treats others courteously, even when there’s no audience.
- Accountability: He owns mistakes and works to make amends.
- Resilience: He faces setbacks without constant blame or victimhood.
- Generosity and sacrifice: He’s willing to put others’ needs above short-term convenience.
- Emotional availability: He can be vulnerable and stay present during hard conversations.
Observe how he responds to everyday stress — bad traffic, a missed deadline, a family argument. Does he lash out or search for solutions? Does he apologize when necessary? These small moments reveal how he’ll handle the big ones.
Before you say “I do”
Choosing a life partner is one of the most consequential decisions you’ll make. It can be tempting to settle after a long search or because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. But settling for the wrong person damages you and the life you could have had with the right one.
Here are practical steps to take before giving your answer:
- Talk about core issues: Kids, money, religion, career priorities, parenting styles. Don’t assume you’re on the same page — ask and listen.
- Check patterns, not promises: People can’t reliably promise future change. Look at consistent behavior over time.
- Consider premarital counseling: A few sessions can reveal communication styles, conflict patterns, and compatibility in a way chatting can’t.
- Ask trusted people you respect: Close friends or family sometimes see blind spots you miss. Their perspective can be illuminating.
- Listen to your body and intuition: Gut feelings exist for a reason — don’t ignore them.
A final reality check
If doubts remain after careful reflection and honest conversations, it’s okay to say no or to delay. Remaining single while you continue to search for someone whose values, character, and actions match your needs is far better than marrying the wrong person because it feels easier in the moment.
