In his book All You Need Is Love and Other Lies about Marriage, my mentor and guide, John W. Jacobs, M.D., the only other board-certified psychiatrist I know and a Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST) relationship coach and consultant, stated that “expectations of marriage are often so unrealistic that even the strongest of relationships [sometimes] doesn’t stand a chance.”
Perhaps Margaret Mead was right when she said that “every woman needs three husbands: one for joyful companionship in old age, one for security while raising children, and one for youthful sex.”
What if we could locate a single life partner for companionship, sex, and reproduction?
Regretfully, “The Soul Mate Delusion,” a form of marital psychosis, is ideal for that search. After all, there isn’t anything like that. Both spouses must be present, show affection, and maintain the marriage on a regular basis for it to succeed. Being the right person for your spouse is a major requirement.
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The “Mind Reading Delusion,” which is frequently expressed as “if you really loved me you would know what I want and just do it without me having to ask,” and the “Changing the Other Person Fantasy,” which consists of the convictions that: • Marital psychosis is a state in which newly engaged couples completely lose touch with reality and live in a world of false beliefs, denying the truth in front of them.
(1) You’re correct.
(2) If only your partner understood it, everything would be fine.
(3) Your spouse would then start to resemble you more.
(4) You possess the omnipotence required to make the adjustment.
In contrast, “Real marriage for real people” is a lifelong process that necessitates ongoing investment in order to be sustainable and prolonged. According to Dr. Jacobs, there are three fundamental elements that support happy, fulfilling marriages:
The deliberate and smart initial choosing of a mate
A better practical comprehension of stressors, both internal and external
The constant readiness to resolve issues, disagreements, and complaints
Suggested: Premarital Education
So how can romantic happiness and careful awareness coexist?
How can we be most present and compassionate in our romantic, intimate partner relationships? Phil Guerin and associates at the Center for Family Life created a six-week training program for marriage preparation and enrichment, with the following objectives:
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(1) How family bonds function
(2) the belief that disputes and interpersonal interactions are inevitable
(3) the ways in which these challenges can be successfully addressed over time.
The family as a structure of development
The family as an emotional system and the genogram
The union of spouses
Taking care of young children and teenagers
The extended family
The main concerns are death, money, booze, and sex.
According to a reality-based perspective, marriage is the best setting for creating a solid self in a relationship. The path of self-differentiation teaches you to ask for what you want, to stand your ground when others criticize or disagree with you, and to take responsibility for yourself instead of being too good for other people. The difficulties we face in addressing these issues, problems, and predicaments in a relationship setting are more significant than the problems, issues, and predicaments we all face.
Did you anticipate finding the ideal companion and real love?
Have you ever had the notion, “You would always do exactly what I want you to do if you truly loved me?”
Are you working under the false impression that you would be “completed” by your partner?
We will eventually feel alone, unwanted, neglected, and invisible if we come into partnerships looking for fusion. In order to be in a relationship without taking on one’s partner’s “stuff,” the recommended course of action for improving one’s life is to actively address one’s own unresolved emotional attachments to one’s families of origin.
Put the following into practice:
Respect yourself and look after yourself. You will probably blame your partner for your disappointments and shortcomings if you don’t love yourself. Take responsibility for your own happiness.
Every day, cultivate appreciation, joy, and thankfulness. Make sure you share these with your partner every single day. Show your partner how much you value them and nurture your relationship. Your efforts will undoubtedly be valued.
Always treat your partner with respect and learn how to communicate effectively and often. It’s not always necessary to agree with what they have to say about you. You must, however, always express your thoughts or worries in the most civil and productive methods possible.
An honorable human connection, or one in which two people are allowed to use the word “love,” is a process of honing the realities that can be told to one another. It is delicate, violent, and frequently frightening for both parties.
This is crucial since it dispels people’s sense of loneliness and self-delusion.
We do justice to our own complexity by doing this, which is why it is crucial.
Since there aren’t many others who will accompany us down that difficult path, it is crucial that we take this action.
—-On Silence, Lies, and Secrets: Selected Articles, 1966–1978
I wish you luck as your once-in-a-lifetime journey unfolds.
