If you want to understand how the Torah views anything, start at its first appearance. The Torah’s opening portrait of a husband and wife — the meeting of Isaac and Rebecca — is an ideal place to learn what marriage is supposed to be about.
Why do people marry? What are they hoping to find when they decide to “take the plunge”?
Do looks matter in a relationship?
At root, most people are searching for a deep, intimate bond with another person — a kind of closeness that the commitment of marriage makes possible. If we accept that, the next question becomes: what helps build that connection, and what destroys it?
Personality versus appearance
Our eyes give us quick, confident judgments. When we look at someone we think, “I see them — I know them.” But what the eyes deliver is a snapshot, not the whole. Visual impressions are often misleading; at best they capture a sliver of truth, and a sliver can be dangerously incomplete.
Relying mainly on sight is especially harmful in relationships. When you assess another person primarily by how they look, you’re not really relating to them — you’re relating to an image your senses have produced.
Listening works differently. To listen well you must quiet yourself and make room for the other person’s reality. Seeing starts with you; it’s a projection outward. Listening starts with the other; it is an entry into their world.
In short: relationships grow when people listen to one another and wither when they depend on appearances.
Why modesty and personality matter more than looks
When Rebecca saw Isaac she got down from the camel and wrapped herself in a scarf — acts of modesty. Why does the Torah highlight that modesty at the very moment a future couple first meets?
Because if marriage’s purpose is to foster deep, meaningful connection between two people, modesty plays a practical role: it reduces the dominance of the visual and creates neutral space where genuine attention can begin. That quieting of the eye allows room for true listening to happen.
Modesty isn’t prudishness. Rather, it protects the couple’s emerging world so emotional and physical intimacy can develop on the basis of who they actually are, not only how they appear. It builds a safe, shared space where each can be heard, understood, and — in time — become one.
