I will not perform a wedding as a pastor unless the couple has attended my premarital counselling. Premarital counselling offers some couples the opportunity to fortify an already solid and healthy relationship. It is a proactive way to become ready for marriage. Premarital counselling gives other couples the chance to go deeper into concerns or areas of dispute that they already know exist. Finally, some couples use it as a chance to “pull back the curtain” and expose some significant problems with their values, beliefs, or character.
Your character is, in my opinion, the most crucial element that affects how well your marriage works out.
I ask each participant to respond to a set of questions about themselves and their relationship, which are as follows:
Is doing the right thing more important to me or my partner than finding shortcuts or the simplest route?
Are my feelings or my character the ones that usually govern or control me or my partner?
Do our beliefs and priorities, or our moods, govern my partner and me?
Do my partner and I always consider others before ourselves, or do we expect others or each other to take care of us?
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Do my partner and I search for excuses more often than we do for answers?
Are my spouse and I known to finish what we start, or are we prone to give up, quit, or not follow through?
Do my partner and I show thankfulness far less often than we complain?
Over the years, I have assisted numerous married couples in crisis situations where one partner might have prevented a great deal of suffering, disappointment, and disillusionment by sincerely thinking about these issues.
Controlling expectations
Assisting couples in creating or readjusting their expectations for marriage is another significant advantage of premarital counselling. Nearly every couple has some kind of irrational expectations for their marriage. These are sometimes called “myths of marriage.” These “myths” have many different origins. They could originate from the media, culture, our own parents, our friends, or even the church.
Helping couples understand that being married does not entail an instantaneous transfer of need fulfilment is crucial. Each person is still responsible for their own needs even after marriage. Naturally, couples who are in a healthy marriage will desire to take care of one another. The issue arises when partners cede or insist that the other bears complete responsibility.
One recurring characteristic in crisis-ridden relationships is that each partner eventually started to see the other as the sole way to solve their issues as well as the cause of them.
Over the years, I’ve heard the statement, “He or she isn’t who I thought they were when we got married,” more times than I can count. Couples’ failure to recognise that their dating experience isn’t real is one factor contributing to this. Trying to win the other person over is the main goal of dating. Transparency is frequently not the result of this endeavour. The conventional dating experience focusses on being and showcasing your best self. To make matters worse, couples tend to overlook the bigger picture. Feelings of love are emphasised, while your partner’s positive traits are emphasised and their negative traits are minimised.
How may premarital counselling be beneficial?
In order to get both parties to consider all of the differences in personality, experiences, backgrounds, and expectations, premarital counselling is essential. Couples that sincerely confront and acknowledge their differences are highly valued in my opinion. I want couples to be aware that whatever differences they ignore or think are “cute” at the moment will probably irritate them fast after the wedding.
Couples should start learning how to appreciate and value their differences, recognise and accept their flaws, and support one another’s strengths during premarital counselling.
The saying, “A woman marries a man thinking she can change him and a man marries a woman thinking she will never change,” comes to mind when I think about marriage.
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The idea that happiness is not the ultimate purpose of marriage is introduced through premarital counselling. Should we anticipate happiness from marriage? Of course we ought to. However, a couple will unavoidably set themselves up for failure if they make happiness their first priority. That idea ignores how hard work is necessary for a successful marriage. The misconception that a successful marriage is easy to achieve is one that many couples fall victim to. These couples think something is wrong if it isn’t easy, and it can rapidly turn into someone is wrong. Taking personal responsibility for our own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being is essential to a successful marriage. As a result, each partner can approach the other in love from a position of security rather than desperation or need.
